no one should ever try to
access my brain.
it is a whirling, chaotic, thunderous storm,
27 years in the making,
blazing furiously with its array
of scars, fears, and anxieties on display,
preening for that poor soul who
misses a turn and ends up here;
90 miles an hour and fifteen hundred directions
is my mind in first gear.
logic gets unceremoniously sucked
into the vacuum of what if's
and if only's
creativity fractures at the mere
consideration of the near future -
dreams of hope light the brazier
and help the buzzing of uncertainty
stay warm until morning.
i have yet to find a way to
shut this off.
even at night,
on the verge of sleep
(or even while asleep!)
i wake gasping from my mental alarm clock
raging like it may, in fact, combust.
hey, do you remember this?
it screeches at me.
and before i can even muster a response,
the tornado lands,
all two thousand directions at various speeds -
i work to exhaustion
just to try and dodge the flying debris.
sometimes, i do not succeed.
so what do i do when the
concussive force renders me
an invalid to the outside world
for days at a time?
how do i stand up when the
foundation has split into chasms
too wide to jump?
some sinkholes are too wide
to cross with a ladder and harness.
if you are fortunate enough to
possess a harness.
most of the time, i am not.
on occasion, Confidence vouches
for me and picks one up
just in time for Despair to kick it
down into the pits,
laughing at my misfortune.
i couldn't count the times that has happened
with hands and feet alone.
when i feel Reassurance whispering in my ear
that Confidence will pay a visit soon,
I pull out a jar for storage instead,
piling every sparse moment inside
and locking it away.
so when the time comes
that my jar is full,
and Doubt comes whistling down my shabby,
by the time it has successfully picked
the locks to my mind,
I push down on my panic button
and the jar explodes -
Confidence flying like mortar
along the entranceway,
devouring all in its wake.
or at least that's how i would like it to happen;
sometimes there is a leak.
sometimes Negativity sneaks its way in.
sometimes my panic button fails.
but each day the sun rises,
and each day i get to wake up.
so the fight is worth it
all things considered.